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My Story



     I wanted to put together this blog to help others, who like me have had to live with a trial such as depression each day.  To help others find hope and joy in their daily life, and that life doesn't need to be lived without hope- even in the midst of constant daily battles such as depression.  With that I felt inspired to do this blog and share with others that I know life can be lived with grace and gratitude despite what you've been given in your own journey.


    A little of my story
(adapted from an article I wrote for my church): 
  ...In my latter years of high school, I could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t know what.  My sleepless nights,  pains in my stomach, and increased anxiety became overwhelming.  Perhaps since I was involved in leadership responsibilities in school, and most of all the oldest in my family I didn’t feel I could share my struggles with anyone. Years went by and I had moments of feeling back to normal, but sometimes my feelings of hopelessness persisted. During the times I felt well, I met my husband, and later we were married.  We were blessed with our firstborn son and things were wonderful.  Soon after our son was born we moved across the country away from any family or friends we knew so my husband could start medical school.  I was also pregnant with our second son.  My feelings in all the change and isolation deepened.  I sought out help, but didn’t feel I was getting answers. Soon after my second son was born, my depression plummeted.  The hormonal change accompanied with all the other factors of change and isolation created a very dark and real place.  At the same time, I felt so much guilt.  Here I had just had a precious newborn baby and wanted to enjoy my days with him the same as I could my firstborn.  I thought it was just “all in my head” as I was frequently told and tried to just “get over it”.  But weeks after his birth, he became very ill with RSV, my 18-month-old also contracted the same virus and I became very ill as well.  In emotional and physical exhaustion, I collapsed. What pained me the most was thinking of my two babies I loved so dearly.  I longed my whole life to be a mother and finally when I was blessed with this sacred task I felt completely unable to care for my precious children the way I normally would have.  In this hopelessness, I knew I needed help immediately.  Since many of the sources I turned to did not know how to or want to help me, I felt hopeless and helpless.  

        In this moment, I began thinking over my life- a life where I had strived in every way to be good.  I read my scriptures each day, I prayed each day- I attended the temple and fulfilled my church callings the best I could, I loved to serve, - but apparently, it wasn’t enough.   Why did I feel this way?  Was all the good I had strived to do for so long just meaningless? Why was I being turned down for help? My thoughts kept me up very late, and in my contemplation, I prayed.  In despair, I dropped to my knees on the hard, cold floor looking for some ray of light through my window.  My voice was choked back with tears of discouragement and loss, but in my heart, I prayed asking my Father in Heaven in 5 simple words- “what did I do wrong?” As I knelt there in silence,  I felt something.  It was as if someone or something came into the room with me, knelt by my side and wrapped their arms around me.
     Then this very quiet, very comforting, and very gentle thought came to my mind; 

“You did nothing wrong.  Just take care of yourself.”

     After that long night, I did get to see a professional, and find some answers.  Many other smaller answers came as I continued through the coming days and months and years to live that quiet thought I received that night to take care of myself and to not feel guilty about something I did not cause.  

     So, in this simple way I wanted to offer hope and healing to all, like me, who have to struggle with depression again and again.  That, you also “have done nothing wrong-  just take care of yourself”, and also share some lessons and principles that have guided my life the last 15 years.


12 comments:

  1. Wow! What an amazing story. I have been feeling the same way since I returned home from my mission to where there have been many fists made at god and many "why's" and many nights of just crying on my bed and I seriously have gotten the same exact answer.... "focus on yourself!" I am still learning and am curious as to what you have learned about you when you have focused on yourself

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  2. Thank you Cecily. This must have been difficult to write. But it was necessary because it opens the door for others to see it is not a punishment but a real true clinical pay off mortality for some of us in mortality. The hope and help you will offer others by sharing is immeasurable.

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    1. Lisa, thank you. Your comment and love means so much. I just hope to help someone-even if it's one person than I will feel grateful and like I did what I needed to do in sharing my story.

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  3. We love you Cecily and are so grateful to be neighbors. We sure do love you!

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    1. Thank you Lori. I will always have a special love for you and your family.

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  4. Cecily, thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable and share your story! I can relate to so much of it, and love learning your self-care strategies. I love this quote from Heidi Swapp: "Through our strengths we compete with each other but through weaknesses, we connect with each other”. You are a beautiful, amazing person and I'm so grateful we've had the chance to connect! Love you!

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  5. Thank you Michelle! That means so much! I love that quote and have never heard that before. Thank you for sharing. Love you!

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  6. Cecily, That was written so beautifully and was so tender to read. Thank you so much for being willing to share your story for all of us to learn from. You truly are a wonderful and amazing woman who I love and admire.

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    1. Thank you Laurie. I appreciate your friendship so much! I love you my dear!

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  7. My heart is like yours and my heart is with your, thank you for sharing! I know how hard it is ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thank you Sheradon! Are you Julie's friend? I am so sorry you know how hard it is. My heart is with you as well.

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