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Saturday, October 7, 2017

Few lessons learned

     15 years ago during my first realization I had  depression , I was relieved and shocked.  I was so grateful for an answer finally- that I wasn't going crazy, or that I just couldn't pull my act together.  I felt I had to try harder than normal to do simple things- like quieting my mind enough during grocery shopping (I had so much anxiety), or finding enough energy to do the day to day demands like laundry or dishes.  So when I finally had an answer I felt I could also find answers on how to help it get better.  It was a huge relief! 
     But I was also shocked.  Shocked in the way depression was treated with such a stigma.  I remember trying to reach out to all around me, but instead I got turned down for a blessing, left alone when I asked for help, and even when I called the hot line for suicide I was turned away saying " you need to leave this hot line open for people who really need help".  Perhaps because I am usually happy and chipper, I didn't seem like the sort who would struggle with this- but I did.  I was still learning how to be assertive and stand up for myself in situations where people just misunderstood- so back then I didn't say anything- I let them judge and let them turn me down.  But inside it made an already desperate feeling much worse and I felt even more alone.  In this I learned a few things;

     One- to pray.  During my times I felt so abandoned and alone, I prayed hard.  I was very hurt by the judgments I received from neighbors, church goers, even family and friends.  After all, I wouldn't do that to them.  But after being told "no" to a blessing from a home teacher and a discouraging phone call from a friend, I felt very abandoned.  I felt deep down the words I felt from Him in the hospital that this condition wasn't "my fault".  Instead it was a combination of hormones, genetics and circumstances.  But I felt wherever I turned I was being in fact turned down.  But I knew deep down I wouldn't be from Him.  
     So I prayed- differently than I had learned.  I talked to my Father and began telling Him how I felt.  It was hard at first, but I in turn learned to talk to Him like that and now I pray not morning and night but each waking hour of the day I am constantly talking to my Father in Heaven.

     The other- I made a decision.  Either I could be sad about how people were treating me  and get even more discouraged or I could choose to live with my trial in Him- in other words in joy.  So I came up with a saying:  "Don't be depressed about being depressed".  I can't control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it.  When I started to feel weighed down by my trial or others judgments I would remind myself this and instead look for ways to help solve the problem.  Coupled with prayer each day, that is how I found many of the answers I share on my blog.  It was a hard day to day trial and error- prayer and even fasting at times to see what helped and what didn't.  I kept an avid journal of progress, I researched till I felt I couldn't look at another book or screen...but the knowledge provided me with the power to withstand my own personal trial.  

     And I still do all those things.  Even now I hired a coach to help me with my own personal nutrition and exercise needs.  And I hope I will always strive to progress in all I do.

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