Recently I have wondered about my blog. I have wondered whether to add more "fun" things; things that are just part of my day to day life- the wonders of motherhood, the joys and hard work of training for races, new fun recipes I have found, fun craft ideas I love, funny things I have heard lately.
But I have felt this blog needs to be different. All those fun ideas and day to day things that happen can be found on facebook and instagram, and I don't want to just create another cute idea of funny comment to hashtag. Instead I just want to help. To hopefully uplift and inspire. The story I share took 15 years to write and that many years and more to try to share. It took everything within my soul to bring that hardest part out in the open. In fact, I closed my blog all summer this year. It was too hard to have my story out there. And I was having a difficult time because I had been asked to share my story to multiple groups of people- and I was scared. Sacred of shame and hurt.
So know what I write in here is not easy. In fact, it's one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I do it all out of love. Those 5 principles I share in my blog have helped me live each day in gratitude for my depression- my depression that is not lifted, not yet. Those principles took many years, many months and many hard days of trial and error to understand- they weren't just ideas I thought would be good- they are tried and tested principles that have guided my life through each episode I have had to endure. Principles I needed to learn myself through Heavenly Father. And I testify that He can and does talk to us individually- helping us along the way no matter our trial. We are never alone.
But... we can feel alone. And those feelings are real. Part of dealing with depression consistently is feeling so alone- so alone. Those feelings of isolation depression bring are real. And my heart goes out to all who feel this way. I have felt that way.
I have also wept with many who have tried to end their own life-and then wept with families who lost a loved one to suicide. And with all the love I possess, may I offer some advice to those caring for one who is considering this: they don't need advice, they just need you. They need to know they are loved and wanted. But I also caution to not take their problems upon you- their depression is not your fault, their feeling that way is not your fault. It is an illness that needs to be treated.
They simply just need help.
And they need help from all who can. It takes a village, not just a mother, or a father, or a friend to "save" them. And in reality the only one who can save is our Savior and sometimes part of that "saving" means not being healed yet. That's what I have come to understand and accept.
I have pled many times to be relieved of my burden. When I feel my best I love playing sports, baking, crafting, creating, writing and especially being with my children. When the depression hits harder I feel like my personality is robbed, void...I can't feel anymore, or think anymore and the pain associated with it is far worse than any physical pain I have had to endure. But as I have turned to Him in my darkness, especially in those times I have felt a deeper sense of self and purpose. And He has taught me ways to get the help I need.
Below is a link from the church I belong to "The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" that tells the story of a boy who wanted to commit suicide.
I am so grateful he chose to stay and chose to share his story.
Choose to Stay